According to the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network, over 17 million women in America have been raped. Many more will never tell a soul about their rape, which will make them three times more likely to suffer from depression, six times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol, 26 times more likely to abuse drugs, and four times more likely to contemplate suicide. These women are daughters, sisters and mothers. This is one’s story.
It happened about 15 years ago. It was a happy time in her life. She was a senior in college and the world seemed to be in her hands. School was going great and she was supported by good family and friends. “At that time in my life I was happy go lucky,” she said. “I was just so young then.”
One night in January she was introduced to a guy by a mutual friend. They were with a group of people and he didn’t show much interest in her. He actually hit on a friend of hers and so she thought nothing of him.
About a month later he calls her out of the blue. “I thought he was trying to find my friend,” she said. “But, he wanted to talk to me.” He asked her out for Valentine’s Day which was coming up. “I thought, wow!”
She was excited about having a date for Valentine’s. He was known around campus and she was surprised he wanted to date her. She knew a roommate of his and thought highly of him. Why not go on a date with this guy?
So, that’s what happened. They had a good time. Valentine’s Day and the next couple of dates were nice. But, they were always with other people. They were never alone with each other, always with friends around.
“I knew him and knew people who knew him,” she said. “He built up my trust and the trust of my friends. Then, the first time we were alone, he raped me.”
When her friends wondered why they stopped seeing each other he told them she wasn’t pretty enough for him. She kept it to herself and didn’t tell anyone. His raping her was her third sexual experience with anyone. She blamed herself and thought that she did something wrong.
It took her more than a year to tell someone. During that year she really went to a dark place in her life. She started drinking more and hanging around people she normally wouldn’t. “I became promiscuous,” she said. “I got into some bad relationships because I was looking for others with worse problems.”
What happened that night, 15 years ago, tainted her personality. Her friends and family didn’t know her any more. She changed and they couldn’t figure out why. She eventually broke down and told her mom. She couldn’t tolerate the secret any more.
“He took my self esteem and everyone could see the pain in my smile,” she said. “I couldn’t be myself.”
Talking to her mom was the first step in pulling her life out of downward spiral caused by this guy. In time she started therapy and talking to some good people who helped her understand what happened. Therapy wasn’t cheap but she went for a year and got her life back on track. He took three years away from her before she felt like herself again. Eventually she went back to school and got her masters.
“I didn’t want to change and grow the way I had to,” she said. “I wish things could have been different.”
Even though she found her true self again she still has to handle being traumatized. Anniversary dates trigger her emotions. She sees his name in the paper sometimes, which also brings back old emotions. “I have to live with it forever and you have to learn to deal with it,” she said. “It’s not easy but it does get better.” She has only had two long term relationships since her rape. One reason is trust issues with men. “It makes things hard especially when it comes to relationships.”
One thing she thinks about is if this guy continued to rape other women. Because she never went to the police this guy didn’t have any direct consequences to deal with. Who knows how many people this guy victimized before or after her?
“If I can say anything to other women going through the same thing, I would say get therapy as soon as possible,” she said. “It’s the best way to take your life back.”