I was 16 year old living in my home I grew up in. I was sleeping when he grabbed me and tied me to the bed. I knew him he brutally raped me. He felt he had so much power it was a revolver he loaded two shells in the chamber his words were wanna play he put the revolver to my temple and pulled the trigger. I felt sick it was disgusting dirty and degrading he wouldn’t stop he then pulled the trigger three more times thank god the first four were blanks.
He raped me for an hour. No matter how many showers I took I could not get him off of me; there are times I wake up feeling suffocated by him. Thirty years I lived with silence of rape and the mind games of Russian roulette sound of the trigger terrorizes me today the flash back and noise triggers.
Today I am learning it’s okay to break the silence to talk about my rapes and one click away death experience releasing I did not cause the rap HE DID. It’s time to forgive myself and allow healing. I can never forget the pain and torture he caused me. Speaking out I am breaking the power he has held over me all those years. That nightmare will never go away but I have hope of it fading with the healing process.
I didn’t report the rape because knew as a child I dare note create a problem or I would suffer great consequences. I learned that from eight years of molestation and rape on me that was not allowed to be mentioned. I carried all their abuse lies and nasty secrets. My life was full of terror and fear and suppressed emotions. I learned to wear a great mask to hide my pain.
The last I knew he was dying of cancer alone in another state. I had sent him a letter he did not have the gut to reply. So there wall be no formal closure. I’m doing what I need to do to move on. That is counseling and groups that teach me to speak out and allow healing.
I was once a rape victim – I can now say I am a survivor of rape and abuse. Thank you
Editor’s note:
The Community Justice Center believes the key to unlocking the problems with our justice system is restoring control and voices to victims. A victim tends to get lost in the shuffle of police, lawyers, judges and court rooms. Their questions don’t get answered and their story becomes nothing but yesterday’s crime.
Offenders become nothing but criminals doing time on holiday. Most never take full responsibility for the damage they have done. They don’t get a chance to feel the victim’s pain and try to make amends, even if that is all they can do. The victim has the key to getting across to offenders. Offenders need to understand the extreme gravity of the harm they put upon the victim and the community.
A major part of the Community Justice Center (CJC) is elevating victims voices so they are heard all while restoring a clear sense of control back. Through CJC victims begin the healing process and offenders know true accountability while learning about the true harm they caused real individuals and communities because of their actions. Share your comments and impact stories.